February 8th, 2008 I decided to raise my right hand and swear an oath to protect and defend not only my family and our freedoms but those of all inhabitants in this great country; people I had never and will likely never have the opportunity to meet. I was young, inexperienced and quite frankly, not entirely sure what I was getting myself into, but I knew deep down this was the right path for me. Not everyone in my family agreed or supported this grand decision, I was after all (and still am) a single mother with a young baby to care for. I knew this enlistment would mean leaving my daughter and my family periodically to serve my country and support my fellow airman but to me, it was a great honor and privilege. It was something that started out as a last ditch effort to support my daughter and I financially since my hopes of pursuing college on athletic scholarships had come to a screeching halt, but little did I know what enduring camaraderie I would be so fortunate to discover.
I wish I could say the enlistment was a breeze and everything I had hoped for, but to be honest, it was a challenge. I’m the first to say I am stubborn and prefer things be done a particular way; I will say I learned quite quickly that this attitude and mentality were not conducive to the team environment that is the military. I have heard the phrase, “You don’t get to choose your family” and the same can be said for your squadron, section, platoon etc. however I wouldn’t have traded any of them in my times of need or theirs. Family is just that, family. Where I struggled, they all would lend a hand. When they struggled, I did everything I could to be as helpful as possible. Whether it was being the DD for a night out with my fellow airman or it was plunging face first into the mud with full MOPP gear during a training exercise, we all had each other’s backs.
This family cohesiveness wasn’t just among the enlisted, it wasn’t just amongst peers my age, no, it worked from the top down and the bottom up. I think back to a time I was at a low point, I mean really low. I stopped pulling my weight, I was so detached after experiencing a traumatic event. I couldn’t put my pride to the wayside and seek help on my own, instead I chose to cope with drinking. To the point it was impacting my job, I showed up still intoxicated on a couple occasions but it didn’t occur for too long because my then commander as well as first sergeant pulled me in for a chat. They sat me down and said “Here’s the deal Kristen, you get help, today, right now. We will go with you (not optional of course) and even if you hate us right now, you will thank us later and know that we care. We care about you, your family, and your future.” I broke down. Sobbed right there in uniform, embarrassed, disappointed but at the same time free. All I could think was “Wow, I didn’t realize how much these (high ranking) people noticed.”
From there, I got the help I needed, to be successful in my military career and the help I received spilled over positively into my personal life as well. I was so grateful, beyond words. If I had been at some civilian job, I likely wouldn’t have gotten that second chance.
The resources and tools the military offered to me at that time in my life, have been pivotal in shaping who I am today. I look back at that opportunity and use it to recognize others who may be struggling, I encourage them to reach out more and not be ashamed or let down by their problems or burdens. We could all use some help from time to time. In addition to my desire to help others, I do my best to teach my daughter that failures happen, but they don’t define us; we cannot learn without them so we should appreciate our faults and the lessons that come from them.
For the rest of my life, what happened during my military service will be stamped as “PTSD” on paper, however I don’t hide this. I am not ashamed of what happened or the unfortunate side effects from the event. Instead, I choose to be open about this, instead of drinking I choose to speak about PTSD and seeking help. I want to rid people’s misconceptions and the stigma that surrounds this diagnosis and demonstrate how persons with this disability are still able to contribute in so many ways. Every day is still a choice, it’s still an effort to not isolate and withdraw. But this is an investment I am more than willing to make, for my future and for my family.
In an effort to better my future, to learn more, I am pursuing my Nursing degree through Maricopa County Community Colleges followed by applying to Arizona State University for the completion of this degree.
