I have a deep disdain for the way people look at me when I mention that I am a disabled veteran. It annoys me because I instantly become a research paper interview or I get unnecessary pity. Even worse is when people clam up and walk away to start a new conversation with someone less \”afflicted\”. I am a disabled veteran, yes, but there is so much more to me than that label. I am great friend, a mother and a proud veteran. The prompt asked for me to discuss how my life has been affected by your military service and/or disability. While I was reading the prompt my mind automatically went to the negative side of being a disabled veteran.My time in the service was largely negative. However, while being a disabled veteran has plenty of negatives it also has plenty of positive points as well. Such as still being able to use various services through the Veterans Administration, using skills learned will in the military in the civilian sector, being supported by military friends, civilian friends and family members as you transition back to civilian life, and the list could keep going.
I left active duty military service because of my severe depression and the lack of available care within the military mental health services. While receiving services I felt like I was being placated so that my various therapists didn\’t have to report a suicide. Another large issue I had was that I was constantly changing therapists. From the onset of my symptoms I have had six different counselors and three different psychiatrists. When you change hands that often you never truly work through the issues that brought you to therapy in the first place. The other issue with being passed around is that you learn to never get your hopes up or let your guard down. I personally have attempted suicide twice because I felt that I would never get through my depression and I didn\’t want to keep burdening my friends and family with constant rants and mood swings. I constantly felt like I was nothing because my hard work ethic constantly went unnoticed. Nobody deserves to feel like they are nothing and even worse worthless when you are trying to fight through depression and suicidal tendencies. For me when it came time for me to leave the military nothing held me back because I knew that I needed to get out to get better.
Next month will be the one year mark for me. Every day I struggle with my depression. Some days are great though! I wake up and I have a real unforced smile on my face, take care of things around the house, complete coursework, et cetera. I feel like I am on top of the world, completely unstoppable. However, more days than I like to honestly admit I struggle to even take care of myself. On those days I relieve any and all mistakes I made while in the military. I painfully rework ever scenario; saying what I wish I would have. Reacting differently. Wondering if leaving the military was the right decision or did I make the decision to hastily. On the \”dark days\” as I call them I have to stay out of the kitchen because of the knifes. I have to stay away from medications. I can\’t even convince myself that I am worth the fight. That I am worth love and respect. I forget that I have a brilliant mind and that I am a fighter. On those days nothing can make me feel better. No amount of exercise, meditation, or prayer combat the feelings. I honestly don\’t know how to convey such dark emotions to my friends and family so, I pretend to be happy for their sake. I hate knowing that they are worrying about me and how much time we may have left to spend together. I fight for other veterans that have lost their lives to suicide. I fight to be able to support someone though their battle. For them I fight.
