I was knocked off my feet, smoke filled my lungs, everything was dark, I did not know what happened or why everything just felt so wrong. I could feel myself against the deck, boots kicking and stepping on me, then I heard someone yell from the darkness, “GET OUT OF THE SHIP!!”. As I struggled to get to my feet someone grabbed my hand and pulled me up; I stood and began to recognize everything around me, realize that I was on my destroyer, we were in the middle east, and something had gone terribly wrong. It was not long before our initial thoughts of a fuel explosion while refueling were proven incorrect, and we realized that we had been the target of a terrorist attack.
In an instant, at the age of 25, my life was forever changed. My feeling of security gone, trust broken and vulnerability exposed. I lost friends and learned the hard truth about how calloused and ignorant the world can be as I was faced with Sailors from other ships pillaging our personal belongings and clammering to get pictures of our dead. And how 16 years later our country has still failed to try those being held in Guantanamo Bay for this cowardly act. My faith in the world was shattered and more than anything I wanted to understand why.
I was fortunate to stay on the USS Cole as she was repaired in Mississippi. Bring the ship back to service had a healing affect on me, but I continued to deeply struggle with PTSD. I had a constant sense of fear and needing to be alert as well as endless nightmares. I could not stop my mind from plotting where I would next be victimized. I slept with my pistol under my pillow and all my lights on. In an attempt to calm my thoughts I drank until my mind went quiet, everyday for several years.
In the years following my internal struggles would be come apparent in the drastic changes in my physical appearance. I buried my feelings, fears, PTSD and anxiety; and found comfort in alcohol and food. I ate what I wanted regardless of what I knew it was doing to my body, the worse I felt the more I ate. I saw a psychiatrist for years who put me on different medications that just left me feeling numb and uninterested in life. It was threatening my career my health and my future. It was not until I began to face and take control of all my emotional and psychological issues that I could begin to take control of my weight. It was a long painstaking process and I continue to work at it every day.
Even though I continued to struggle with PTSD and alcohol my career in the Navy was progressing. Following the bombing of my ship I was determined to continue to serve in a capacity where I could have a more direct influence on fighting terrorism, so I decided to pursue a career in intelligence. I spent a year in training, graduated as an Intelligence Specialist and headed to my first assignment on board the USS Theodore Roosevelt, an aircraft carrier deployed to the Middle East. I stepped onboard and told myself that it was time for a change. It was time to live a life of success of instead of hiding my demons. I wanted to be a person and Sailor that my 17 fallen shipmates of the USS Cole could be proud of. I wanted to spend the life that I was given serving in a capacity that would make a difference.
I dove into my job with relentless obsession, learning everything that I could with unwavering focus and energy. I prioritized my health and taking control of my fitness and appearance. I quit smoking and I stopped drinking. In six months I lost 40 pounds, qualified all of my watch stations and the ones above that and I was preparing for my next promotion, which I achieved the following year.
Following my time on the Theodore Roosevelt I was transferred to Williamsburg VA, and even though I had made many strides in feeling more normal and being more healthy, I still struggled. I started researching some alternative therapies growing tired of mind numbing prescription medications. That is when I found acupuncture. Acupuncture helped me manage my anxiety and depression and physical ailments. I had successful treatments for several different ailments, most notably being my PTSD and my seasonal allergies. I was elliated! It was so exciting to feel so much better after just one hour with no side effects.
During that time I volunteered to join a Joint Task Force to fight terrorism and piracy in Africa. It was the most exhilarating tour of my career and I believed it would be an opportunity to fight terrorism and have an impact. It also opened my eyes to the intricacies of the war on terror. It was never like I thought it would be. I began to realize that fighting terrorism was not my calling. I retired with 20 years of honorable.
Through all of this I have learned that my calling is to heal. I have lived my life, with PTSD, pain, depression, and anxiety to better understand the world and people around me. I know there are ways to help those who are suffering without prescription medication. The first part of my life was dedicated to serving my country, the second part will be dedicated to healing people through acupuncture.
I am beyond thankful for my experiences in the US Navy, especially the bombing of the USS Cole and the opportunity to better understand terrorism; those things led me to my second path of service. PTSD shaped my life and even though it continues to be a challenge for me, it also opened my eyes to helping others.
