I separated from the military in 2013. A few years before that I was diagnosed with PTSD. I’ve had pills shoved in my face but I didn’t quite understand how to deal with this diagnoses. I did not know how to deal with my emotions or cope with the stress. I truly cannot say which stress was worst before or after. I deployed in 2010 to Afghanistan. I was going through struggles at work, within myself, and not to mention the attacks on the base. Eventually before I knew it, all the stress I was under caused me to attempt to take my own life.
I was going through my challenges at work. However, the thing I didn’t understand is why at night I was dreaming about my childhood abuse. The abuse happened when I was between 8 and 11 years ago. At the time, I was 30; so why am I dreaming of my childhood in my adulthood? After the attempt, I was sent back to Aviano. Someone from my squadron had call the base and told them about my attempt. I lived with the shame and embarrassment for the rest of my time there. In 2011, I was sent to Holloman AFB, NM. I was hoping for a fresh start. However, someone called ahead of me. I was blackballed. I would be lying if I said this didn’t affect me. I was not only hurting from my childhood and my experiences at Bagram. I had to deal with the consistent reminder of people asking me or judging me on something they had no idea about. It was like having an opening festering wound that everyone was staring at.
I started drinking just to sleep at night. Eventually the drinking became my medicine. I was so stressed that I was losing my memory and I couldn’t focus. When I first joined the military, I was thriving, I was the first female and the first person in my family to join the Air Force. Before my first enlistment, I received Below-The-Zone. A prestigious award given to only 2 airmen in my whole squadron. Shortly after I had a line number for Staff Sergeant before my fourth year in. Awards didn’t stop there I received Airman, NCO and Support of the Quarter; not to mention Achievement and Commendation Medals. I didn’t understand how I did I get to forgetting appointment and losing a stripe for it.
I was honorably discharged from the military in 2013 for minor conduct infractions. Thank God my achievements were enough for an honorable discharge. However, I was suddenly with a new diagnoses and without a job. After I got out my PTSD symptoms made it hard for me to keep a job. I lost my apartment, several cars,and several jobs. At some point, I was even homeless. I didn’t know or understand these new emotions or what did this mean for me. I was always a planner. I knew my next move months ahead of time. The sudden change sent me deeper into a depression. I checked myself into a program for women with PTSD. Since then I moved back to my hometown Eutawville, SC. I stayed there a year after I was awarded total and permanent disability. I took the time to heal and to become more financial stable. Recently, I moved back again to Houston, TX. Now, I am focusing on getting my degree in Visual and Performing Arts. For the first time in my life, I’m happy with what I’m doing and who I am. PTSD and Major Depression Disorder has caused me to rediscover myself. It is a part of who I am but it does not define me.
At first, I didn’t want to go to school. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t smart enough for school. After my discharge from the military, I felt like “why try I’m just going to fail at everything.” It took me a while to reprogram my thinking. Now I’m more passionate than ever pursuing my dreams. I’m not sure where visual arts will lead but it’s my passion. I don’t see my past as a hindrance. I see it as a tool to reach people. Once day I will be inspiration for not only veterans with PTSD but also for children with childhood trauma. I embrace not only my success but also my shortfalls. They have taught me it’s ok to fall but never stop reaching for the stars.
